I'm Blaming This Dry Spell On Ron Jeremy's Alien Penis

You know what's awesome? I'll tell you what's awesome. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese at 2:00 a.m.

I always forget how good this shit is. It's kinda like PB&J. You feel like a little kid when you eat it. And I mean sure I look like a little kid in general so I guess its a good thing I'm not eating it in public because then it would definitely solidify that thought in peoples head. And then worry them because I am drunk.

Well today was somewhat uneventful considering I slept until 3:00 p.m. Although I will say the only reason I woke up that early was due to the most horrifying nightmare I have ever had.

Picture this:

I walk into the doctor's office complaining of some stomach issues and what do they tell me? "We'll it looks like you're full term and YIPPIE! Let's induce labor!" ???? Aw hell no, bitch.

Now here's what I can't decide: Why is this such a nightmare?

Is it:

A.) I'm kinda pissed that this bitch is suggesting that I have put on some weight.
B.) I'm having a child and kids are the bane of my existence as of late. OR
C.) There's no possible way I'm having a kid because I haven't had sex in forever.

So, C.

Somewhat related, I woke up to this lovely e-mail from one of my friends who stayed up all night watching porno trailers. (I love my friends). Because he loves me so dearly he decided to send me the link to the trailer. I have not stopped fearing penis since.

Basically what happens is an enormous blizzard strands the cast and crew of an adult film shoot and then the ragtag band of eccentric heroes must band together against a mysterious and deadly alien menace which has possessed Ron Jeremy's penis. Stay with me now..this shit gets better.

So then, after slaying Ron, his detached penis embarks on a spree of carnal carnage on a colossal scale. Luckily, with the help of this demented and half-crazed Vietnam veteran, the race is on to trap and destroy this penile predator before there are more victims of its vicious, utterly unique method of murder.



I dare you to watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=933FExsfU3c

Priceless.


Speaking of gay things...Did I mention that at Karaoke Night on Thursday, I was able to work my charm on the DJ and got him to spin one of my little brother's sick tracks (yo)?

Oh yeah. My little brother, more commonly known by his slightly (very) homo-erotic stage name "The A$$ Goblin," had a killer single back in '08 called "Butt Sex." He also later came out with one called "Mitochondria."

Despite the fact that he hit the nail of the head and solidified his targeted .ooo3% demographic of homosexual bio-chemists, he (shockingly enough) never quite made it to 8 Mile status.

I would say he rather hit 7 yard status considering the only phrase he says is, "butt sex, butt sex, butt sex, butt sex" throughout the entire song. But hey, give the kid a break. He's only 18 and to be fair there's not a whole lot of things that rhyme with "sex."