Happy Birthday Little Brother: Now Let Me Destroy Your Reputation

Well Turd. Happy 19th Birthday. I hope its a really fantastic one!

In your A$$ Golblinish honor, I have decided to write out my top five favorite moments of your life. Moments we should truly cherish for ever.


I know I will.........



5.) That Time You Talked About Wet Dreams at the Dinner Table.

I remember this day like it was yesterday. A crisp autumn day much like this one now. We were all getting ready to sit down at the dinner table. You were nine years old and I was fourteen. We were all talking about our days as Mom brought the mashed potatoes to the antique wooden table. The food smelled delicious. I talked about the math test I had in my algebra class until there was a lull in the lovely conversation. Then you chimed in.

"Well guys. Apparently I'm going to be having wet dreams soon."

As the three of us looked around at each other trying not to laugh, you didn't even notice. You scratched your bowl-cut head and continued eating your steak. We later learned that you had just started your sex ed unit in school. Nevertheless, the family has never been the same.

4.) That Time You Made me Look Like a Pedophile

It was around the same time that you talked about wet dreams. I was walking around the kitchen with my disposable camera I had used at the Backstreet Boys concert that I had gone to that winter. I had a few extra pictures to take and, not wanting to waste them, I told you to make some funny poses so I could finish up the roll. The first four were normal.

Then, as I turned my head down to charge the flash button, you (somehow without me taking notice) turned around, pulled your pants down, spread your cheeks, and mooned me just as I put my head up and snapped the shot.

I have yet to get those BSB photos developed for fear that I am now over 18 years of age and pictures of that nature would be considered child pornography.

FYI: I have still not forgiven you for this.

3.) That Time You Almost Cut Your Wee-Wee Off in the Shower

I remember I was home from boarding school for summer vacation. I was sitting downstairs in the kitchen watching MadTV and enjoying a wonderful bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, when all of a sudden I heard a loud crash and what seemed to be the sound of a little girl screaming for help. I ran upstairs to see what had caused such a ruckus and why there was a six year old girl in our house. I walked into your room and there I saw you out of the corner of my eye; a twelve year old boy, ass-naked, covering your junk, bleeding all over the place with glass everywhere.

"What the hell happened?" I said.

"Ummm, I pulled the shower door open too hard I guess...." You replied.

"Is there um...did you...uh....let's see...Look, did you cut off your penis?"

You looked down at your manhood, frowned, looked back up and said, "Ummm...I don't know."

Dad rushed you to the doctor to get your goods looked at. A hot nurse had to do it.

Your penis survived. Your dignity? Questionable.

2.) That Time You Annoyed Me and I Tied You to the Ceiling Fan

I remember when I was nine years old my friend and neighbor, Zach, used to come over and play nerf guns with me. Feeling left out you always tried to join and chase us. When we let you play with us and would shoot you back with guns, you would cry.

One afternoon Zach and I were having the most EPIC nerf battle. I had just gotten that bazooka one, you know where the bullets were the size of golf clubs? You wanted to join in on the fun, but I knew you'd be a pain in the ass.

My solution? I said let's play "hostage." I then proceeded to tie you up (for fun...of course). I then tied your legs together and tied them to the ceiling fan in our loft. Then I turned the fan on. You laughed hysterically. Pleasantly surprised I said we would be back to untie you later. I left you there for 30 minutes spinning around and around. Mom found you. I was grounded for a month.

1.) That Time You Tried to Poop in a McDonalds Cup in the Car

This is my most favorite story of all. We were on our way to Grandma's 204th birthday. We were in Uncle Jim's minivan. You and I were sitting in the middle seats. You were six. I was eleven. Mom was in the front seat drinking a Mcdonalds soda and had just finished it, tossing her ice out the window. Upon seeing her do this, you said you really had to go to the bathroom and wanted to know if it would be ok if you could go in her cup. Considering you were only four, mom agreed. You gave the cup back to her with a turd in it. I dry-heaved the rest of the way to the restaurant.

BONUS STORY: That Time You Ruined My Breakfast By Puking on it

I was so excited. It was a Tuesday, which meant we could have a sugary cereal of our choice. "Treat Cereal Tuesdays" only came once a week. I loved them more than anything in the world at age nine. You were four.

We sat down next to each other at the kitchen table in our Indiana house. You said you weren't hungry. "Psh, loser," I thought as I poured the most massive bowl of Lucky Charms I could without it overflowing. Just as I was about to take my first delicious and glorious bite...You threw up. In my bowl. You actually leaned over as if you were actually AIMING to get all of your puke into my bowl. You went to bed and stayed home sick. I dry-heaved the rest of the day and never looked at my beloved lucky charms the same since.

Love ya Bro. <3 Muahahahaha

You don't need a PhD to Do Lil' Jon's Job, OKAAAAYYYY?

As I sit here at 4 a.m. following the lame-ass job leads that I have from Monster and Careerbuilder, I sit here and wonder...


"How did the greats get employed?"


I mean, a lot of highly successful and/or famous people never got a college degree so why, pray tell, did I have to spend 4 years in boarding school and 4 years in college just to end up living at my parents house, living off of frosted mini-wheats, and wondering where the hell all that Valium went from when I had my wisdom teeth pulled back in '05??? (No seriously...Dad...if you're reading this...where did Mom stash the goods??)

Then it hit me.

I am going to be the next Lil' Jon.

Think about it! It's perfect. I mean sure, I may have to work on getting dreads and all. I guess a grill will need to happen too but hey, I still have my old rainbow retainer?? Headgear?

I mean seriously? How hard is it to sit in a studio all day and yell out three measly words? And with my college degree I really think I could up the ante so to speak.

Instead of saying "YEAAAAHHHHH," "OKKKKAAAYYYYY," and "WHAAAATTTTTT," I can replace them with degree appropriate words such as"THEEERRREEEEEFOREEEE" or even "IPPPPSOOOOO FACTTTOOOO."

Did I mention I speak French? I mean, I really just think I bring a whole new element to the table that music producers just haven't even seen before.

I guess there's also the whole drug issue. I suppose I could sniff some glue in order to soak up the true aura of the original Lil' Jon. His drinking issues? Ha, gotcha covered.

The best part about this idea? I already got family in the business. With my brother's new plans to shoot a music video for his Chicago pop-sensation song "Butt-sex," I know I can figure something out.

Despite the fact, that his YouTube video is grouped in the category next to Samwell's highly homosexual "What What in the Butt" Video, he nevertheless received a whopping 200 views in the last 24 hours. Impressive.

CHECK IT OUT!

I may have to subject myself to some degrading work in his shoot but hey, its all for the music baby.

It's Lindsay, bitch!

Me vs. The Zoo

You know what's really pissing me off lately? Living creatures.

You ever have those days where you feel like everything is out to get you? Yea, we'll I've been having those days for about a month now. It's because every animal in whole God damn zoological encyclopedia is out to destroy my life.

So yea, I kinda slacked on the top ten today. BUT I'll give you...

The Top 5 Creatures That Are Really Pissing Me Off


5.) Spot-breasted Woodpecker, Colaptes punctigula.

Like seriously? Seriously??? Every morning with out fail this little turd of an animal decides it wants to make a nest. But not in our yard and not on our trees. This little bitch wants to make a nest SOMEHOW in my bedroom window. Like really. WOOD pecker. Not WINDOW pecker and honestly, if that little fucker wakes me up at 8 a.m. one more time I swear to God I'm going to chop off his pecker.


4.) North American Raccoon, Procyon lotor.

Ok. Imagine you're having an awful nightmare (about being pregnant) when all of a sudden you wake up to the most terrifying noise of your life at 4 a.m.; the noise that one can only liken to that of Big Foot raping the Chupacabre. Screaming, moaning, howling, grunting and a little bit of dirty talking. I was sure it was these two for so long that I even convinced myself that the lochness monster had somehow migrated into our pond as well. Psh, and my second grade teacher said I had too vivid of imagination just because I pulled feathers out of my parents' down comforters, assigned names to them, and them had them battle for the ultimate honor of ruling the land of the teenage mutant ninja turtles lunchbox kingdom. Amatures.


3.) Taylor Swift, Homo rejectus

Ok, I'm not going to lie. My new found hatred for this girl just came on in the past 48 hours. I used to sing along with her tunes but now its like, wtf? Do you eat? Or does your head just get progressively larger with each dumb song you write? I thought Miley Cyrus' bobblehead syndrome was bad but listen bitch, at least her Party in the USA song makes me wanna jump up and down and do my white girl dance. You on the other hand sing like crap and I mean come on, how hard is it to read out of your diary and sing it like a monotone kimono dragon? Like are you attractive??? What's with the weird hair? Did I ask you if you ate?? I want to like you but I'm having a really hard time.....

What's this?? Hold on kids.....

My sources have just informed me that she's dating Taylor Lautner??? AW hell no, its official.

We are fighting Taylor Swift. We are fighting.


2.) Honeybee, Apis mellifera.

There was an entire week back in September when my mom was CONVINCED I was going skitzo. I told her I heard buzzing whenever I was in the family room. She then, of course, blamed this whole "episode" on the fact that I had been watching too much T.V. and it was my "vivid imagination" (yea ignore number 4 entirely).

The funny part is she NEGLECTED to tell me that she had been killing bees in the family room ALL DAY. Much to my surprise, I woke up the next morning to 5 dead bees in my room, 2 in my bathroom, (I showered with one...aka drowned it with shampoo muahahahahah!!!), 4 on the back staircase, and ahem 10 dead in the family room.

Naturally, I walked into my mom's office immediately and said we should probably call an exterminator.

Her answer? No. My bee sting count? 14.


1.) My Mother, Annoyus severus

No explanation needed.

New Feature: Svetlana Von Drinkalot's Daily Top Ten

So because this blog is so awesome...ahem...I have gotten a new feature that will be updated daily by my dear friend alcohol, I mean...Svetlana Von Drinkalot.

Today's top ten...Drumroll please.....

The Top Ten Worst Songs to Have Sex to:

10.) "Dancing Queen" by Abba

Yea, agreed. I heard a new study came out that medically linked ABBA to erectile dysfunction in approximately 96.7% of all heterosexual males. The other 4.3%? Well let's just say that for those men, a little bit of tequila will make anyone and anything doable. Not that I know this from uh...personal experience or anything. DAMN my cover is blown.

9.) "Hit Me Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears

Ok, so Svetlana, I kinda agree with you but only for one reason and one reason only. For me personally, I think if I was like mid-bone sesh and some Brit-Brit came on I would probably drop everything, de-mount, and have a personal dance party that included jumping on the bed and/or lip syncing using a certain inappropriate body part as the mic. My bet would be the guy probbbbably wouldn't be into that...but hey there's always that 4.3%? Fingers crossed girls...

8.) ANYTHING from The Phantom of the Opera by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Ha, ok yea. I think the only time playing Music of the Night is acceptable during sex is, well, never. I mean c'mon, for a guy who can only last a few minutes, songs with constant climaxes can't be too helpful...

7.) "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause" - a rendition with a creepy kid singing is preferable

Ok...thinking about your parents "doing it" let alone role playing is just disgusting. I walked in on my parents once. It was gross. I also walked in on my dad icing his balls with frozen peas after his vasectomy which is not only gross because a.) my dad is outwardly acknowledging he has balls but also that b.) he and my mom still do it on a regular enough basis for them to have to worry about having kids.

Whatever happened to menopause? Oh right, she's going though it RIGHT NOW. Kill me.

6.) "Funky Cold Medina"by Tone Loc

Ok. Even though Tone Loc is a total musical genius...I don't think a song about roofies is the best bet when trying to get in a girls pants....justtttt saying. But there is always that part about the dog humping his leg. Does that make anyone else randy? No? Nobody?? Really??? Wow.

I am so alone in this world.

5.) "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood

I mean self explanatory. Anything with Jesus is a no go.

4.) "The Wedding March" by...who the f cares?

So ladies, this MIGHT not be the best song to woo your man to. Especially not the first time you get down. Just saying. On a side note. Congrats to my cousin who just got engaged! But also F YOU...because now the entire family is going to nag me about having the next big family wedding. Like oh really? Really? Who am I going to marry, Aunt Sandy? Myself? The cat? The Patron bottle that's hiding under my bed that the cleaning ladies always find and then put on my dresser as if to say, "Lindsay, we don't speak English but we think you have a problem you need to face?" But seriously, my family has been nagging me about getting married since I had my first boyfriend. I'm single now SO BACK OFF PEOPLE!

3.) "I Could Have Danced All Night" from My Fair Lady

Um...ok. If you ever bring home a guy that openly says he likes this song, loves this song, or wants to listen to the song while you wear a strap on... then holy sack RUN!

2.)"Too Legit to Quit" by MC Hammer

Haha, please refer to Number 9. Then add balloon pants.

1.) The opening credit song to Full House

Do I even need to explain this one? All you would be doing is thinking about the Tanners and Uncle Jessie.

The one plus? When you finally reach climax you can scream...YOU GOT IT, DUDE!!!!!

And scene.

BCBG is Why I am an Alcoholic

Ugh. First off: The Bears blow. Big time. Secondly, I have a serious problem: Shopping.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I have a credit card that I use to rack up serious debt that I will later have to pay off by working the corner at Dearborn and Congress....oh no wait, that's Snaggle-tooth's turf... but I still have a pretty speedy turn-around rate from getting paid to spending.

On average: approximately 10 hours. Fuck.

For example. Yesterday I had a killer night at the wine bar and made close to $100 in tips alone. Hey, a little eyeliner and push-up bra goes a long way...

Needless to say I woke up the next morning early..
Sooooo noon.
And went straight to my temporary boyfriend's house A.K.A. BCBG.

That place gobbles my money like a Snaggletooth does to a pen15.

Regardless, this whole shopping problem only leads to buyers remorse which then I have to feed with retail therapy which then starts the cycle again and I end up totally depressed and eating cinnamon toast crunch for every meal because its already in the house which lets me save the money for those "fuck me" shoes (as my mother likes to call them) which, in MY opinion were totally practical because, frankly, I could use a good bang these days. But hey, at least I look cute and fashion forward whilst I'm on my depserate hunt for a decent lay??

Additionally, this whole shopping problem has not only made me poor but its made me into an alcoholic. I can't go into any store without being immediately drawn to sparkly, colorful items. I'm like a rabid dog drooling from the mouth. Totally attractive. But then I have this ridiculous outfit that I can't wear to work...when I actually GET a job, that is....so I am forced to MAKE an occasion to go out in...thus leaving me not only blacked out and roaming the streets of the South loop, but spending more money buying drinks...FUUUUCKKKKK.

Moving on...

So I thought my life sucks...Check this out.

I just got a call from my friend. Let's just say her name is, uh, Shanequa. Oh and you remember Snaggletooth? Yea...she comes into play here.

So Shanequa is sitting on her couch on a Sunday night, when what do her wondrous eyes should appear? Her blacked-out roommate Snags and a rando guy who seemed queer...

They proceeded to ask her if she would like to "join them."

Join them?? For what? Scrabble? Battleship?? Or my personal favorite, A nice game of pin the weener on my vajayjay?

Yea um, I don't think so pal.

Tune in for more about this awesome story later....

Drinking and Driving is Bad. And For Some People, So is Backing Out of My Parents' Driveway

This whole living at home this is pretty awesome. And by awesome I mean sucky.

The whole thing is kinda making me regress into this teeny-bopping-want-to-play-pranks-on-people-and-try-not-to-get-grounded mode. So essentially, living at home isn't shitty because I'm 23, unemployed, and currently in my bright pink bed surrounded by my favorite childhood stuffed animals, its because I'm 23 and can't get away with the shit I used to get away with.

Take for instance, TPing and egging houses. I used to love that shit. And hey, when you're tweleve years old and 60 pounds of pure cuteness nobody questions you when you blame it on the mildly retarded, epileptic kid who started the whole fight by shooting illegal fireworks into your best friend's mom's vegetable garden. I'd go into even more specific details but can't due to a pending litigation that basically involves myself, a water balloon launcher, and a margarita the size of a jacuzzi.

I'm Blaming This Dry Spell On Ron Jeremy's Alien Penis

You know what's awesome? I'll tell you what's awesome. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese at 2:00 a.m.

I always forget how good this shit is. It's kinda like PB&J. You feel like a little kid when you eat it. And I mean sure I look like a little kid in general so I guess its a good thing I'm not eating it in public because then it would definitely solidify that thought in peoples head. And then worry them because I am drunk.

Well today was somewhat uneventful considering I slept until 3:00 p.m. Although I will say the only reason I woke up that early was due to the most horrifying nightmare I have ever had.

Picture this:

I walk into the doctor's office complaining of some stomach issues and what do they tell me? "We'll it looks like you're full term and YIPPIE! Let's induce labor!" ???? Aw hell no, bitch.

Now here's what I can't decide: Why is this such a nightmare?

Is it:

A.) I'm kinda pissed that this bitch is suggesting that I have put on some weight.
B.) I'm having a child and kids are the bane of my existence as of late. OR
C.) There's no possible way I'm having a kid because I haven't had sex in forever.

So, C.

Somewhat related, I woke up to this lovely e-mail from one of my friends who stayed up all night watching porno trailers. (I love my friends). Because he loves me so dearly he decided to send me the link to the trailer. I have not stopped fearing penis since.

Basically what happens is an enormous blizzard strands the cast and crew of an adult film shoot and then the ragtag band of eccentric heroes must band together against a mysterious and deadly alien menace which has possessed Ron Jeremy's penis. Stay with me now..this shit gets better.

So then, after slaying Ron, his detached penis embarks on a spree of carnal carnage on a colossal scale. Luckily, with the help of this demented and half-crazed Vietnam veteran, the race is on to trap and destroy this penile predator before there are more victims of its vicious, utterly unique method of murder.



I dare you to watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=933FExsfU3c

Priceless.


Speaking of gay things...Did I mention that at Karaoke Night on Thursday, I was able to work my charm on the DJ and got him to spin one of my little brother's sick tracks (yo)?

Oh yeah. My little brother, more commonly known by his slightly (very) homo-erotic stage name "The A$$ Goblin," had a killer single back in '08 called "Butt Sex." He also later came out with one called "Mitochondria."

Despite the fact that he hit the nail of the head and solidified his targeted .ooo3% demographic of homosexual bio-chemists, he (shockingly enough) never quite made it to 8 Mile status.

I would say he rather hit 7 yard status considering the only phrase he says is, "butt sex, butt sex, butt sex, butt sex" throughout the entire song. But hey, give the kid a break. He's only 18 and to be fair there's not a whole lot of things that rhyme with "sex."