So because this blog is so awesome...ahem...I have gotten a new feature that will be updated daily by my dear friend alcohol, I mean...Svetlana Von Drinkalot.
Today's top ten...Drumroll please.....
The Top Ten Worst Songs to Have Sex to:
10.) "Dancing Queen" by Abba
Yea, agreed. I heard a new study came out that medically linked ABBA to erectile dysfunction in approximately 96.7% of all heterosexual males. The other 4.3%? Well let's just say that for those men, a little bit of tequila will make anyone and anything doable. Not that I know this from uh...personal experience or anything. DAMN my cover is blown.
9.) "Hit Me Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears
Ok, so Svetlana, I kinda agree with you but only for one reason and one reason only. For me personally, I think if I was like mid-bone sesh and some Brit-Brit came on I would probably drop everything, de-mount, and have a personal dance party that included jumping on the bed and/or lip syncing using a certain inappropriate body part as the mic. My bet would be the guy probbbbably wouldn't be into that...but hey there's always that 4.3%? Fingers crossed girls...
8.) ANYTHING from The Phantom of the Opera by Andrew Lloyd Webber
Ha, ok yea. I think the only time playing Music of the Night is acceptable during sex is, well, never. I mean c'mon, for a guy who can only last a few minutes, songs with constant climaxes can't be too helpful...
7.) "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause" - a rendition with a creepy kid singing is preferable
Ok...thinking about your parents "doing it" let alone role playing is just disgusting. I walked in on my parents once. It was gross. I also walked in on my dad icing his balls with frozen peas after his vasectomy which is not only gross because a.) my dad is outwardly acknowledging he has balls but also that b.) he and my mom still do it on a regular enough basis for them to have to worry about having kids.
Whatever happened to menopause? Oh right, she's going though it RIGHT NOW. Kill me.
6.) "Funky Cold Medina"by Tone Loc
Ok. Even though Tone Loc is a total musical genius...I don't think a song about roofies is the best bet when trying to get in a girls pants....justtttt saying. But there is always that part about the dog humping his leg. Does that make anyone else randy? No? Nobody?? Really??? Wow.
I am so alone in this world.
5.) "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood
I mean self explanatory. Anything with Jesus is a no go.
4.) "The Wedding March" by...who the f cares?
So ladies, this MIGHT not be the best song to woo your man to. Especially not the first time you get down. Just saying. On a side note. Congrats to my cousin who just got engaged! But also F YOU...because now the entire family is going to nag me about having the next big family wedding. Like oh really? Really? Who am I going to marry, Aunt Sandy? Myself? The cat? The Patron bottle that's hiding under my bed that the cleaning ladies always find and then put on my dresser as if to say, "Lindsay, we don't speak English but we think you have a problem you need to face?" But seriously, my family has been nagging me about getting married since I had my first boyfriend. I'm single now SO BACK OFF PEOPLE!
3.) "I Could Have Danced All Night" from My Fair Lady
Um...ok. If you ever bring home a guy that openly says he likes this song, loves this song, or wants to listen to the song while you wear a strap on... then holy sack RUN!
2.)"Too Legit to Quit" by MC Hammer
Haha, please refer to Number 9. Then add balloon pants.
1.) The opening credit song to Full House
Do I even need to explain this one? All you would be doing is thinking about the Tanners and Uncle Jessie.
The one plus? When you finally reach climax you can scream...YOU GOT IT, DUDE!!!!!
And scene.
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