Me vs. The Zoo

You know what's really pissing me off lately? Living creatures.

You ever have those days where you feel like everything is out to get you? Yea, we'll I've been having those days for about a month now. It's because every animal in whole God damn zoological encyclopedia is out to destroy my life.

So yea, I kinda slacked on the top ten today. BUT I'll give you...

The Top 5 Creatures That Are Really Pissing Me Off


5.) Spot-breasted Woodpecker, Colaptes punctigula.

Like seriously? Seriously??? Every morning with out fail this little turd of an animal decides it wants to make a nest. But not in our yard and not on our trees. This little bitch wants to make a nest SOMEHOW in my bedroom window. Like really. WOOD pecker. Not WINDOW pecker and honestly, if that little fucker wakes me up at 8 a.m. one more time I swear to God I'm going to chop off his pecker.


4.) North American Raccoon, Procyon lotor.

Ok. Imagine you're having an awful nightmare (about being pregnant) when all of a sudden you wake up to the most terrifying noise of your life at 4 a.m.; the noise that one can only liken to that of Big Foot raping the Chupacabre. Screaming, moaning, howling, grunting and a little bit of dirty talking. I was sure it was these two for so long that I even convinced myself that the lochness monster had somehow migrated into our pond as well. Psh, and my second grade teacher said I had too vivid of imagination just because I pulled feathers out of my parents' down comforters, assigned names to them, and them had them battle for the ultimate honor of ruling the land of the teenage mutant ninja turtles lunchbox kingdom. Amatures.


3.) Taylor Swift, Homo rejectus

Ok, I'm not going to lie. My new found hatred for this girl just came on in the past 48 hours. I used to sing along with her tunes but now its like, wtf? Do you eat? Or does your head just get progressively larger with each dumb song you write? I thought Miley Cyrus' bobblehead syndrome was bad but listen bitch, at least her Party in the USA song makes me wanna jump up and down and do my white girl dance. You on the other hand sing like crap and I mean come on, how hard is it to read out of your diary and sing it like a monotone kimono dragon? Like are you attractive??? What's with the weird hair? Did I ask you if you ate?? I want to like you but I'm having a really hard time.....

What's this?? Hold on kids.....

My sources have just informed me that she's dating Taylor Lautner??? AW hell no, its official.

We are fighting Taylor Swift. We are fighting.


2.) Honeybee, Apis mellifera.

There was an entire week back in September when my mom was CONVINCED I was going skitzo. I told her I heard buzzing whenever I was in the family room. She then, of course, blamed this whole "episode" on the fact that I had been watching too much T.V. and it was my "vivid imagination" (yea ignore number 4 entirely).

The funny part is she NEGLECTED to tell me that she had been killing bees in the family room ALL DAY. Much to my surprise, I woke up the next morning to 5 dead bees in my room, 2 in my bathroom, (I showered with one...aka drowned it with shampoo muahahahahah!!!), 4 on the back staircase, and ahem 10 dead in the family room.

Naturally, I walked into my mom's office immediately and said we should probably call an exterminator.

Her answer? No. My bee sting count? 14.


1.) My Mother, Annoyus severus

No explanation needed.